I am woken up by a cold, wet nose pressing against my arm. A warm little body, snoring, laying so close to me that there’s not a centimeter between us. My movement wakes him and he licks my face over and over as his tail swings behind him.
I drink coffee and eat my breakfast early, before any roommates are awake.
The house is quiet and peaceful. I think about my day and what I would like it to look like. So many possibilities. Things to look forward to. Artwork to create. Peace to find.
I nanny the first half of the day. I hold a sleeping baby, so pure and so sweet. This little being, so fragile. I hold him instead of placing him in his crib so he can cuddle into my arms.
His big sister comes over and says, “Bubby,” like she is looking at him with hearts in her eyes. She places her arms around him and says, “Bubby,” again as she gives him love and kisses him on the head. It is the sweetest form of love.
I see him sleep and I dread the world getting its hands on him. I wish that he could stay this little and pure and sweet forever.
While brother sleeps, big sister and I play chase, we build towers, read books, play hopscotch, and paint.
She calls me “Wibba,” looks at me, more hearts in her eyes. She says, “I have fun. Wibba home.”
Again, I pray she holds this little light and love in her always, no matter what the world tells her she should be or what she should look like.
I paint and create. I write words that I have needed to hear throughout the years. I send them to others, hoping that they can start to believe them about themselves.
I take Beau for a walk, feeling the sun on my skin and the chilly breeze.
I find my way to my favorite coffee shop and snack on chocolate covered espresso beans while I write. My heart feels lighter as the words leave my mind.
After a few hours, I find my way home and my roommate walks in the door with take away Thai food for us. The four of us watch a recording of the new This is Us episode we missed last night. I eat spicy pahd thai. I feel so many emotions from this show and talk about them with my roommates.
The show ends and we drink a few glasses of wine while we work on a 2000 piece puzzle at the kitchen table. We sit here laughing into late hours, even though we have to be up early. I feel so thankful for these girls.
I feel so grateful for my life, for a time of healing and finding this girl who the world has silenced and suppressed.
My life isn’t perfect or shiny. It isn’t always easy or fun or exciting. It is simple. It is peaceful. But it is exactly what I need right now.
I feel grateful for all of the little moments. I feel grateful for my people, for my opportunities, for my blessings, and for the space I am able to take up in this world.
Today I feel grateful to be alive. Months ago I didn’t. I didn’t want to exist. I couldn’t find these little moments, little bits of joy. I searched and planned how I could be done with this life and having to live it.
Luckily I never successfully followed through with these plans. Fortunately I am able to see, with a clear and nourished mind, that joy can be found around every corner. Light and peace can be seen in smiles, connection, time, and in spending time with yourself.
Today I am grateful to be alive, to live my life the way it is.
Today I am grateful to be me. And to dream of the things I will do with the light, strength, and compassion I hold.