Thawing

I drove into Fayetteville tonight feeling disoriented. Kind of dazed.

I navigated straight to Jazmine’s house to pick up Beau. I had exited my car and was half way to the front door before I realized I was parked in her neighbor’s driveway. I was about to knock on the wrong front door.

After climbing back into my car, driving 15 feet and parking in the correct driveway, I text Jaz that I am outside.

Inside Jazmine’s house, I have a hard time even making small talk. I am about to leave with Beau when I catch sight of myself in the mirror. I don’t feel connected to the reflection I see in the mirror. I feel artificial, out of sync.

Like a figure in a wax museum. Physically, aesthetically, yes, it is my face in the mirror. But it isn’t. This person is empty, void of substance. I don’t know. Again, hard to articulate.

I feel almost hung over from the past 24 hours, though I didn’t have a drop of alcohol. I had to double check that I remembered to take my Prozac the past couple of days. Because I just feel off. Different. Weird.

I am trying to summon up words to describe how I feel right now, sleepless on this Sunday night. I am finding it really difficult to articulate.

I arrived in Oxford around 4:45pm yesterday, a Saturday. There was an incredibly dark and ominous cloud overhead.

The moment I drove into city limits, it is like I stepped into a bubble, through another dimension. The roads I have driven for the past year felt familiar. But at the same time, they didn’t feel real. Like the past year had been a dream. It was surreal. The artificial feeling began.

I pulled into a metered spot in front of Uptown Coffee just as the clouds opened and it began to downpour.

I waited out the storm inside, grateful for the dry, warm air. The smell of coffee itself was calming, but something about the familiar smell of this coffee shop was different. It stirred something different within me. Just like the familiar roads. The familiar buildings and homes I passed. Calming energy whirred around inside of me, mixing with the feelings I can’t identify. My mind swirled, resembling the storm raging outside.

Sad? Happy? Nostalgic? Anxious? Excited?

Maybe I felt them all. I don’t know. It was overwhelming. Tears came to my eyes. My skin crawled. I felt out of control.

I feel better once I’m greeted by my sweet peanuts, the whole reason I made this trip.

 

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